Elephant Repellent

Hiker Beware.
Are you concerned that you might be attacked by elephants while hiking? Do you sometimes wonder why the mere mention of the words "let's organise a hike" causes thunderstorms and a drop in temperature of thirty degrees? Are you tired of all the "how-to" books on offer that make the rugged outdoor life look like a gentle stroll in the park?
This, then, is the book for you: the definitive "how-not-to" hiking book which details the research the author and his selfless companions put themselves through in order that you may be forewarned and can sit at home and suffer vicariously instead of drowning in downpours, eating "food" off a dusty patch of mother earth, sleeping on a growing mountain or getting hopelessly lost somewhere between Africa and, possibly, Asia.